(This is a great presentation to give to professionals. Just transfer each set of GREEN and WHITE text to an overhead and change any of the comments to an event that is more personally yours.)
"But I Can't See What's Going On From Here!!"
What we see and understand depends on where we are sitting in the bleachers, how long we've been involved in special education, how good our experiences have been up to this point, etc.
"If you say you've got
troubles as big as my own,
I'm forced to admit that it's true;
But consider the fact that mine happen to me;
While yours merely happen to you."
People tend to focus on their
own situations and how they affect them.
It's not a parent issue, it's human nature. Plus, the meeting
IS about their child -
fruit of their loins, master of their heart, their future.
If
Mama ain't happy...
Ain't nobody happy!
Truer words were never spoken!
A dream is not necessarily a
"full-blown" vision of
what a parent wants for a child.
It may only be a tiny slice of their future life;
"A moment in time" -
I picture my blind daughter
crossing a busy city street alone.
What will she need to learn before she can do that?
Crossing streets and living independently won't be the first things you will teach her.
Explain to me how what she is learning will lead to that. I'm probably not thinking about
what must be learned before that happens. Help me understand how what you are doing TODAY,
at THIS point in time to help make that dream a reality.
Alice
laughed.
"There's no use in trying," she said. "One
can't believe impossible things."
"I daresay you haven't had much practice," said the Queen. "When I was your
age, I always did it for half-an-hour a day. Why, sometimes I've believed as many as six
impossible things before breakfast."
-Through the Looking Glass
If we didn't believe in impossible things, it would mean that we'd given up. A parent may not share those beliefs, but I think we all have them, and they are the force that drives us. That small seed of hope may be what helps us to come up with new strategies that may - or may not - work. We try, and when we are faced with situations we have little control over, believing and trying new things is a very proactive, sanity-saving thing to do.
People seldom read the fine print of dreams.
The history of our dreams is
a complex thing. Family traditions and expectations define many of our dreams. We may not
even realize what part they play, but the issue is:
They're there. Even if they seem unrealistic to you, please don't crush them with a cruel
comment or a curt dismissal. Understand that we may be in the process of reorganizing and
rethinking the dreams we grew up with. My heading-banging, glass-eating, run-away,
hide-under-the-table-when-it-got-too- noisy kid now attends school dances independently-
just like I did - and my one pound, two ounce at birth, now blind daughter can perform a
ballet routine at her yearly dance recital. It was slow progress, but it happened.
A
glimpse is not a vision.
But to a man on a mountain road at night,
a glimpse of the next three feet of road may matter more than a vision of the horizon.
C.L. Lewis
Maybe if you can tell me how my daughter is going to be able to get to her classroom unassisted, then we can talk about which of the middle schools is best suited for her. You may have to work on a few 'good' goals, and master them before before the goal for a new concept is introduced. You need to realize that parents aren't familiar with many of the processes in education. Maybe you need to explain the sequence of how they will be taught a specific task. If a parent understands, it goes a long way towards creating a positive experience for all involved.
Denial is an important part of making dreams a reality. Many times professionals want parents to "come to grips" with a situation. Denial protects parents. Professionals shouldn't deny the validity nor the necessity of the denial process.
My parents always said I had to figure out things on my own because I never believed that their experiences qualified them to know anything. They called it "learning the hard way" and I called it "trying to prove them wrong." Whatever you call it, I think it's human nature. Add that to the fact that in the grief process, denial is an important factor. Let parents come to terms with some issues on their own. Your experience cannot replace the process they must complete to get through this phase.
We cannot change the fact that delays are present, but we CAN change the way we deal with them.
Kids with ADD/ADHD can be disruptive in class. They can also be quite inventive and resourceful. Think about which fact you want to present first.
A parent's attitude toward you may be the result of a previous encounter with a professional unrelated to education.
A doctor once decided that I
wasn't "ready" to hear
that my daughter was blind. When I did find out, I was
alone, 75 miles from home and I had to drive home in a storm, crying all the way.
It's not a good idea to make a judgement about what a parent should or shouldn't know.
Information has a way of becoming known. An unrelated comment, or a discussion with
another professional may make the information you think is unnecessary available to a
parent. Parents have the right to know and to be told the truth. If one professional
thinks and does otherwise, it may make all professionals suspect in a parent's eyes.
The greatest gift you can give a family is respect for their opinions. It will help them build the confidence they will need in future dealings with professionals
Parents have the full-time job of raising their children. They also have the instinct that only parents have. They may not be coming from the same perspective you are, but their opinion matters. In fact, if you expect parents to be involved in a meaningful way in the special education process, it's crucial that you respect and involve them in the decisions. Value them as team members and they are more likely to remain involved over the years.
Some parents come to you from the protected environment of Early Intervention. Others come to you fresh from the shock of finding out their child may be different.
Parents are not 'One-Size-Fits-All.' They come to you with some similarities, but experiences, the degree of the disability, the impact of how the rest of the family is dealing with it, all vary. Individual personalities vary. Just as...
All blind children don't get along simply because they are blind...
Neither do all parents of children with special needs get along or deal with issues in the same way. The generalization of the term 'PARENTS' is not valid. We all come to the table with different experiences, values and dreams.
It takes more effort for some of our kids to participate in the ordinary things most kids accept as "given"
Dance lessons or other activities may have to be individual rather than group, which translates into more $$$
It's usually harder to get baby-sitters
We spend more time learning how to deal with our children
We probably have more BAD HAIR DAYS than usual.
There are many factors that play into how we react to situations. Each parent will have different situations, different ways of coping and different expectations. The only thing that seems able to be generalized is that the things we have to do that are different are more significantly different than the way your next-door neighbor may do something differently than you. A parent who has to transport a child in a wheelchair needs more time to get ready, more time to get into the vehicle and probably employs more physical effort than you do in a typical morning. The same is true for parents who need to break tasks down into more basic instructions. It may be possible to tell one child to get up and get ready for school and he/she will get up, get dressed, brush their teeth, get their books ready and be at the breakfast table in fifteen minutes. It takes more time to break that down, check on progress and give the next directive to a child who needs one step tasks.
Sometimes parents are simply too tired
There were times when the mental effort I would put into preparing for an IEP meeting just exhausted me. Other times, I may have spent 4-5 hours driving to see a specialist the previous day. Maybe my child was awake at 2 a.m. and I only got 3 hours sleep the night before. Maybe I have iron-poor blood because I can never seem to find the time to eat. Maybe, maybe, maybe... there can be all sorts of reasons.
Not discussing problems may not be denial... sometimes it's survival
My youngest daughter has been blind from birth. I know that. I think I accept it. However, when it came time for her get her first white cane, I lost it. I cried off and on for two days. I KNEW she would eventually use one. I KNOW she is blind. I WANT her to be able to get around independently. But when it ACTUALLY happened, all I could think of was that it was going to be like a big neon sign proclaiming that she was blind for all the world to see. They probably knew it before, don't you think? It still affected me in a way I wasn't expecting or prepared for. Luckily, the teacher understood I needed some time before I could accept it.
Sometimes the information you need the most is the information the parents are most reluctant to share
There are chapters in every life life which are seldom read... and certainly not aloud
Being the parent of a child with special needs places more strains on a marriage. Depending on the disability, it may place heavier financial burdens on a family. Extended family members and the way they deal with issues may be a problem. Issues like those may play into how a child behaves or achieves. Pride and the need to keep some issues within a family are normal. It's not true in all families, but in many, the need to keep some issues private is paramount. Realize that and respect it.
There is no test or course devised that will give you the knowledge parents possess. Parents gain knowledge through experience - hands on experience that cannot be duplicated or taught.
Use that knowledge. Respect it.
What Can You Do?
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Develop meaningful goals that tie into a child's life
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LISTEN!!
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Try new things
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Develop goals and objectives with the family
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Realize that the family will be there long after you're out of the picture. Help them gain skills.
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Tell them you value their suggestions
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Agree with them when appropriate
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Admit that you may not have all the answers
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Be willing to help them find the answers
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Be truthful with them
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Respect their values
Words are Plentiful, but Deeds are Precious
Follow-up. Do what you said you would.
There is a rule in sailing where the more maneuverable ship should give way to the less maneuverable craft. This is sometimes a good rule to follow in human relationships as well
We must accept finite disappointment, but we must never lose infinite hope.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
It's better to ask some of the questions than to know all the answers.
James Thurber
© Pat Linkhorn, 2001